She was dying. He paddled out anyway. What waited beneath Lake Superior had been waiting a long while, and it knew exactly who he was the moment he arrived.
The spine of this story is the human opening and the line 'I did not want him to hear who I was.' That sentence does theology, character, and doom in nine words: he believes enough to hide his name, and steals anyway. The whole tragedy is already in it.
Three suggestions. The creature is over-itemized; horns, feathers, fur, scales, catalogued one by one, and then the genuinely brilliant sentence, 'assembled by a hand that did not know where one should stop,' arrives too late to ignite them. Cut a third of the anatomy and let that sentence do the work. 'Boiling cold' made me stumble rather than shiver; 'the water boiled, and no heat came off it' keeps the wrongness without the contradiction. And Nookomis opens the story, then vanishes from it. Give her one heartbeat inside the drowning, the medicine that will never arrive, and the ending stops merely landing and starts to hurt.
The lock of hair rising toward the sun without him is a superb final image. It deserves that one extra wound beneath it
Thank you so much! 😁🙏🏻 That is absolutely amazing feedback! 😳 This means so much and coming from you it has even more weight! 🖤🖤
When it comes to the creature and his anatomy, I think I wanted to make sure I get the exact image from the folk-tale across. Not to butcher the indigenous creature… but I think you are right! I also get the part with boiling cold! I thought of the feeling when something is so hot it seems cold again… and the part with Nookomis is brilliant! 😱 How didn‘t I think of that! 😵 Thank you again for your feedback. Not sure, if I change it right away on here, but I have some other posts with changes and I think I‘ll bring them back later in some sort of an annotated or updated version… not sure about that yet! 🙂 Thank you for taking so much time and thought for me and my work! 🥰🖤
It’s not a “commandment” just a “think-about” :) besides, it is already very well constructed. What I said was merely to give you suggestions of eventual improvements. All is yours to decide:)
The moment the water began to “boil cold,” the story became impossible to leave. The mixture of grief, love, and forbidden myth gives the horror real emotional weight. And that final image of the hair drifting toward the sun is unforgettable.
The spine of this story is the human opening and the line 'I did not want him to hear who I was.' That sentence does theology, character, and doom in nine words: he believes enough to hide his name, and steals anyway. The whole tragedy is already in it.
Three suggestions. The creature is over-itemized; horns, feathers, fur, scales, catalogued one by one, and then the genuinely brilliant sentence, 'assembled by a hand that did not know where one should stop,' arrives too late to ignite them. Cut a third of the anatomy and let that sentence do the work. 'Boiling cold' made me stumble rather than shiver; 'the water boiled, and no heat came off it' keeps the wrongness without the contradiction. And Nookomis opens the story, then vanishes from it. Give her one heartbeat inside the drowning, the medicine that will never arrive, and the ending stops merely landing and starts to hurt.
The lock of hair rising toward the sun without him is a superb final image. It deserves that one extra wound beneath it
Thank you so much! 😁🙏🏻 That is absolutely amazing feedback! 😳 This means so much and coming from you it has even more weight! 🖤🖤
When it comes to the creature and his anatomy, I think I wanted to make sure I get the exact image from the folk-tale across. Not to butcher the indigenous creature… but I think you are right! I also get the part with boiling cold! I thought of the feeling when something is so hot it seems cold again… and the part with Nookomis is brilliant! 😱 How didn‘t I think of that! 😵 Thank you again for your feedback. Not sure, if I change it right away on here, but I have some other posts with changes and I think I‘ll bring them back later in some sort of an annotated or updated version… not sure about that yet! 🙂 Thank you for taking so much time and thought for me and my work! 🥰🖤
It’s not a “commandment” just a “think-about” :) besides, it is already very well constructed. What I said was merely to give you suggestions of eventual improvements. All is yours to decide:)
Absolutely, I took it that way for sure! 😁❤️ Really glad to be able to evolve as a writer that way! 🙏🏻
A very elegant, mysterious story. Beautiful!
Thanks a lot my dear! 😁🙏🏻🖤🖤
A thought after the comments. Great Muddy River, the biggest of all. What legendary monsters dwell in you?
(Mississippi River, fot you, is called "Great Muddy" by the Tribes)
Also, I am swearing off swimming in ....any...river henceforth.
Very true and thanks for your thoughts! 😁🙏🏻🖤🖤
Monsters hide in unlikely places. Rapids kill just as surly as living beings.
True or not does not matter for the tale told.
Avoid death by avoidance.
Absolutely right, John! 😁🙏🏻🖤 Avoid death by avoidance! 😂
How beautifully haunting! I love the Lake Superior area. It feels like the perfect setting for melancholy spookiness. Well done!
Thank you so much for all the support! 😁🙏🏻 I‘m glad you liked it! 🖤
This was siiiiiiiick. Great work!
Thank you very much! 😁🙏🏻 Really happy to have you and that you enjoyed this! 🖤🖤
Clicked the share button. It did nothing. Odd. Great story! The Mishipeshu will be on my mind whenever I see a river now.
Thank you so much my friend! 😁🙏🏻 Yeah same thing for me as well! 😂😉
There was a restack button next to the comment bubble. I used that instead and it worked.
The ways of the Substack can be strange at times… 😉 Thanks for the restack! 😁🙏🏻🖤
I really enjoyed this and wanted to read more!
Thank you, that means so much to me! 😁🙏🏻🖤 Maybe I’ll continue with that story someday. 🙂
Id come back for it!!!
That is awesome, thanks for that! 😁🥳🥳
The moment the water began to “boil cold,” the story became impossible to leave. The mixture of grief, love, and forbidden myth gives the horror real emotional weight. And that final image of the hair drifting toward the sun is unforgettable.
Thank you so much, Antonio! 😁🙏🏻 Thanks for reading and giving feedback. 🖤